Monthly Archives: October 2013

Study shows eating bacon will make you sexy, err i mean live longer.

Study shows eating bacon will make you sexy, err i mean live longer.

Science has enriched the lives of bacon-lovers everywhere. A study conducted by researchers at ETH Zurich has concluded that the high levels of Vitamin B3 (known as niacin) in this meat could help you live longer. 

To test this, Energy Metabolism Professor Michael Ristow fed roundworms a dose of niacin, discovering that they lived one-tenth longer than those who went without. The vitamin is also rich in the likes of Marmite, paprika, peanuts and sun-dried tomatoes.  This is surprisingly contrary to what scientiests believed, because the standard assumption has been that niacin promotes the formation of “free radicals,” causing faster ageing.

An antioxidant-rich diet has been contradicted by Ristow’s findings, which shows that niacin “tricks the body into believing that it is exercising,” perfect for any particularly lazy individual.

Next up will be testing the theory on mice, but for now allow me to personally thank science.



I ran my own independent research. Two groups of mice, 100 in each group. One group I fed only bacon. The other group was fed nothing. The group being fed bacon lived much longer.

My research remains inconclusive, however. It needs to be tested on humans. I have applied for a government grant to fund a comprehensive research program under which my same methodology will be applied to members of Congress. I am eager to begin.

BACON life support flow chart

Sometimes new information comes to light, which prompts open-minded, forward-thinking, good-looking individuals to review their previous beliefs, admit they were wrong and concede that there is now a better way.
Thus, I have taken it upon myself to revise the BASIC LIFE SUPPORT FLOW CHART.
I’m sure you’re familiar with the popular DR ABCD chart below:
well they got the INITIALS right…